EL PASO, TEXAS – The American manure market is seeing skyrocketing prices, following the political events of the last two years. Correspondents from The Bison spoke with Raymond Lewis, operations manager at El Paso Feeders, the largest manure producer in the world. “We can barely meet demand”, he said. Lewis told The Bison that this is “a good problem to have”.
Lewis says that it is simple economics; supply and demand. Things were not always such a rush. “We had a steady market wholesaling bulk bullshit to retailers, and things were…good enough, I suppose”, he said. Lewis told The Bison that his usual retailers were young earth creationists, anti-vaxx bloggers, and Himalayan salt lamp stores. “These are your typical bullshit retailers. They put out a steady stream of bullshit annually.”, he said. Nothing could prepare El Paso Feeders or any of the other thousands of bullshit producers for what was to come.
“Look” Lewis said, “After the 2016 election, we saw an unprecedented spike in demand for bulk bullshit”. The numbers don’t lie: The Trump administration is the greatest purveyor of bullshit in the history of mankind, with prices triple the historic average in 2017, and no end in sight for the spike. Lewis remembers exactly when he knew that the economy was nearing a huge increase in bullshit demand. “When I saw Donald Trump making scrubbing motions in a hard hat and talking about clean coal, I knew that public sector demand for my product was about to explode.”, he said.
Naturally, the investment in the infrastructure to meet these unprecedented demands has been great, and is not without risk. Market fluctuations could lead to smaller bullshit producers being unable to cover their debts. “Trump said something about the sky being blue, which was true”, Lewis said. That bit of truth being publicly uttered, led to a momentary decrease in bullshit prices in July of 2018, and caused unease in the bullshit industry. “Yeah, it’s not without risks.” Lewis said, “But”, he continue “Industry experts foresee an overall upward trend in bullshit sales until at least 2020.”
ATLANTA, GEORGIA – The atmosphere was somber Monday at All Saints Hospital in downtown Atlanta. Twenty people, nearing full recovery from their various ailments, suddenly died. Doctors were stunned.
“I had never seen anything like it in 15 years”, said Dr. William Schmidt. “I was shocked, to say the least.”
However, it was not long before the doctors at All Saints confirmed what many suspected: the steady stream of thoughts and prayers from social media had fallen short of usual levels. Similar events occurred across the nation, with thousands of people dying.
Dr. Schmidt condemned the massive shortage. “What happened Monday was an inexcusable crime against humanity. Rather than share thoughts and prayers from their work computers, like responsible citizens, millions of Americans simply performed their daily work tasks. The excuse of ‘just following orders’ wasn’t acceptable in 1945 and it isn’t acceptable in 2018.”
Despite the tragic loss of life, many of the staff members at All Saints were hopeful for the future. Citing the increase in pressure from friends and relatives to share thoughts and prayers, most of the staff showed optimism that such a disaster will be impossible in the future.
LOS ALAMOS, NM – Working tirelessly for days, government scientists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory made a groundbreaking discovery. Their findings suggest that a novel form of wind energy will power the United States for years to come.
Initially seeking more efficient means of producing nuclear energy, the research team discovered a huge oversight. “We always thought nuclear energy was the answer. That was before we discovered this massive source of previously unknown wind energy.”, said Dr. Scott Reams, the lead researcher of the project.
This “massive source” includes all of the benefits of conventional wind energy, without the unreliability that plagues it and is known as PHA. PHA, which stands for Presidential Hot Air, would be continously channeled directly from the president and into a specially designed wind turbine.
The Trump Administration has hailed the discovery as the answer to the future of American energy needs. President Trump, standing on the White House lawn, provided a demonstration of the generator with a small prototype. As the President spoke about the uniqueness of Puerto Rico’s surrounding “big water”, thousands of lightbulbs instantly illuminated.
The first small scale PHA turbines are currently in production and will initially be purchased by FEMA. These small generators will be erected following major natural disasters and will allow the president to aid in cities whose power supplies have been compromised.
The generator’s designers hope to have them deployed in every major metropolitan area in the United States within three years. This will allow the president to tour the nation and power multiple cities as he blames the mainstream media for his one-term presidency.
OMAHA, NEBRASKA – William Barnes was a simple man, who didn’t ask much from those around him. However, when the 83 year old realized his time was short, he was adamant about one request: his eulogy needed to be honest. After making his survivors swear to honor his request, Mr. Barnes passed away.
Services were held graveside on Wednesday. Few people were present because, well, William Barnes was kind of an asshole. Reverend Scott White began the service by reading from 1 Peter 4:3: “For you have spent enough time in the past doing what pagans choose to do–living in debauchery, lust, drunkenness, orgies, carousing and detestable idolatry.” And it was true, William Barnes totally did that.
The Reverend addressed the few people who had begrudgingly arrived. “We are gathered here today out of societal pressure and some feeling of obligation.”, he said. “I really don’t know why. This guy was a total douchebag.” The Reverend continued, “William Barnes was married three times. During these marriages he maintained several affairs and produced at least one bastard…that we know of. Seriously, this guy was just a total drunken horndog for 90 percent of his miserable existence and we are better off without him.”
Mr. Barnes was then lowered to his final resting place. During the lowering, the casket opened and Mr. Barnes rolled out and into the hole. The pallbearers were overheard saying “good enough.” and both Mr. Barnes and the casket were dropped haphazardly into the grave.
It is likely that nobody will remember this guy at all.
DALLAS, TEXAS – Strawmen were seen walking off their jobs and into the streets across the nation Wednesday morning. Their reason? Excessive working hours.
The Bison spoke with one of the members of Strawmen #760, the union representing strawmen laborers in the DFW metro area. He wished to remain anonymous. “We are just getting worked too hard and too often. It all comes down to greed on the part of management.”, he said. “If management would just utilize proper debate techniques, we wouldn’t be forced to work these crazy hours but that requires some effort on their part.” The strawman continued, “Look, we are professionals. We are good at what we do: distracting our management’s competition to assure victory.”, he said. “We deserve reasonable workloads.”
Speaking with other members of The #760 yielded similar responses and also revealed some important details. While it seems that all sorts of debaters are guilty of overusing strawmen in their arguments, the worst offenders were overwhelmingly conservative leaning. From young earth creationists to GOP politicians, the American right is frequently blamed for overworking strawmen.
In response to the protests, several prominent GOP leaders have issued statements of condemnation. Senator Ted Cruz expressed strong concern about the situation. “The sort of laziness that causes these massive walkouts is the result of years of liberal indoctrination, which can only find root when God has been removed from the classroom.”, he said. “This is what liberalism is all about; shirking duty, killing babies, denying God.”
Strawmen are expected to protest all week, possibly coordinating with a secondary protest by Ad Hominems.
LAS CRUCES, NEW MEXICO – American scientists made a groundbreaking discovery Tuesday at a remote laboratory in the New Mexico desert, after receiving a series of radio signals that seem to form a sort of language.
For centuries, it has been generally accepted that the United States is the sole civilization on Earth. Most believe that the existence of other nations is simply the stuff of science fiction. That assumption is now facing compelling evidence against it.
Dr. Stan Martin, lead researcher at the Search for Terrestrial Intelligence, told The Bison that he could barely believe what he heard. “I am totally convinced that the signal we picked up was a deliberate attempt to communicate.”, he said. Dr. Martin clarified, “We are definitely not alone.” Could this incredible claim be true? Could other nations exist?
The general public is still very skeptical. In our recent survey, 60 percent of respondents felt that God created the United States, in its current form, approximately six thousand years ago as his most important creation. Additionally, our results suggest that 50 percent of Americans believe that we are “definitely alone on this planet” and that the idea of other intelligent civilizations is “absurd”.
The Bison spoke with several people about the recent findings in downtown Los Angeles. Opinions on the matter ranged from dismissal to suspicion but most importantly, few were swayed in their belief of America’s unique and sole existence. “It wasn’t true then and it isn’t true now.”, said one woman. One man suspected a more sinister plot. “These scientists and their liberal agendas… they are just trying to lower Americans from the crowning jewel of creation to just one of many other countries.”, he said. “It’s absolutely evil and false.”
PYONGYANG, DPRK – In a display of force, the government of North Korea recently purchased approximately 50,000 “Ain’t Skeered” bumper stickers from StickEZ, a Beijing based manufacturer of English labelled bumper stickers. United States intelligence indicates that the DPRK intends to have these stickers installed on thousands of tanks, battleships, military aircraft and ICBMs.
The DPRK released a statement Saturday, confirming what the US and its allies already knew: North Korea’s “Ain’t Skeered” equipment will be fully operational by December. “No longer will the DPRK fear the United States and her European lap dogs.”, the officials said, adding “This is only the beginning.” Several UN members have decried North Korea’s blatant violation of international laws regarding offensive bumper stickers.
StickEZ has celebrated the recent order from Pyongyang, citing a decrease of demand in the United States as Americans turn to domestic producers of the trashy emblems. StickEZ also indicated that, while they are not sure, it is “likely” that Pyongyang will order approximately 25,000 “No Fear” bumper stickers sometime in the first quarter of 2018.